The thing about this thing that I just joined is that its forcing me to unearth things that I have still not resolved. When they asked for photos, I had to dig up old photos of me and my mom, and of when she died. Now they’re asking for videos, and here I am, watching old videos of our family, and videos of the days before she passed away.
Five CDs worth of videos of my mom made me cry non stop. And I’m still crying now. My eyes are all swollen and red, and I can no longer breathe. I don’t remember crying this much since 2008, when Yaya died.
It was heartwarming to see my mom alive on video, like she was just in the next room. But when I see myself in the video, I am brought back to the present because I looked like a different person then. It was a different me talking, a younger, less jaded me. Our family looked sad because we knew what was happening, and yet we were all trying to keep things light for the video. 5 years after, I now see those details.
I miss my mom terribly. Its not an emotion I can describe fully, because words will not do justice. Its like missing a part of yourself, and having a big hole in the middle of your heart which you know nobody can ever fill. Family does not feel like family anymore because the heart is missing.
Maybe I really wasn’t ready for her to leave, that’s why I’m having such a hard time now. I was just 18 then, just on the outskirts of womanhood, and suddenly without guidance to the ways of the world. I was 12 when that whole thing started, which rendered my whole teenage experience as unusual. I was about to start my life then, when my mom’s life ended.
I would give anything just for one hug from her right about now. One hug to tell me that I’m doing fine and things will be okay. Its such a simple thing for other people, but sadly, its the one thing I know I couldn’t have.