Early this morning I dreamt about you, about us. Just like all my other dreams (yes, they have become quite numerous and frequent to ignore,) it was about you realizing that you had made a mistake; that it was me all along that you wanted to be with. And like all my other dreams, I woke up feeling all warm inside. It’s that feeling you get when you’re hugged real tight, like no one can harm you and no one can break you. A few minutes after, it turned to that familiar feeling of confusion, and then sadness. It dawned on me that it was all just a dream, and you were still with someone else.
I carried that image of you in my head throughout the day. In fact, I couldn’t work the whole afternoon because I was discussing you with my friends. I couldn’t help but think that maybe, the dreams were telling me something; that maybe my subconscious was telling me to fight for you one last time. Of course, they disagreed.
Ordinarily, I would be more inclined to side with them. After all, we’ve had x years’ worth of messing up our chances of being together, so isn’t about time we put an end to it? Heck, you already have a girlfriend, so I should really leave you alone. Being the other woman is definitely not someone I want to be. But how come no matter how much I try to forget you, I still feel empty inside? Why are my dreams still filled with images of what could have been between you and me?
And so I visited your social media page after months and months of not looking at it. That’s when the rug was pulled from under me. I’ve never seen you this happy.
Then I realized, this whole tirade was just about me – about what I wanted and about how much I wanted us to work. I never considered that you might be happy where you are; happy with her, and happy with your life. I feel really horrible for wanting to take that happiness away just to throw you into uncertainty once again. All this time I thought that you chose her over me because you settled. Sabi mo kasi dati, para akong unachievable for you, parang you can never please me. And you wouldn’t believe otherwise, no matter how hard I tried to convince you. I always thought that you were just insecure, but I never entertained the idea that maybe I caused all your insecurity with my fleetingness and my wanting be a strong, independent woman.
I had failed to see that what you wanted was someone you can be sure of; someone who will be there for you as a partner, as a friend, and as a lover. Someone who will carry you and your burdens and not someone you have to spar with all the time. Right now I’m full of regrets. I wish I had shown you more how much I cared for you and how much you meant to me. Sabi ko naman dati, with all my shit in life, sayo ko lang nafeel that I can settle down. I wasn’t kidding when I said that and I still feel the same way whenever I think of you. I wonder why you never believed me.
I wish I could talk to you one last time to sincerely tell you that I’m happy for you, because I really am. But I’m still waiting for the time when I can tell you that without a heavy heart. Right now what I really want to tell you is to please come back to me, but I know that that’s unfair. So I’m ending this letter with this — if there’s one thing that I can say with all certainty, it’s that no matter what I do, or no matter what you do, I will always have a window open for you.